First Visit to See The Twins

I was one of those people who didn't know much about prematurity, basically because it had never affected me or anyone I knew. Our friend, Keith was very premature and he turned out great, so how bad could it be, right? Even when the doctors told me that I was going to have an emergency c-section at 27 weeks, I still didn't understand what was ahead of us. The strange thing about it is that I pride myself on my due diligence where my family is concerned and I never once thought to get information about prematurity. I suppose it is one of those "it happens to other people, but it won't happen to us". The hardest thing about being pregnant with multiples, is staying pregnant. Needless to say, once the twins were born we began the most heart wrenching rollar coaster ride of our lives. It began with the neonatologists calling our hospital room the first night at 2am wanting Brian to come to the NICU. They proceeded to tell him that they weren't sure if Charlie would make it through the night. He had a list of problems a mile long and he was on complete life support. They gave Brian a picture of him to bring to me so I could see him, just in case he didn't make it I still remember Brian telling me what they said, but I just couldn't comprehend what he was saying. Maybe it was the drugs from the surgery, or maybe it was just God's way of protecting me. I choose to think it was the latter. Needless to say, Charlie did make it through the first night and I was able to see him and Matthew the next day. This would be my first of many, many trips to the NICU. Brian wheeled me in to Matthew's room first and all I could see was an incubator and one lonely chair for a parent or nurse. Matthew was so small and so, so thin, he almost didn't look real laying in that acrylic box. We were given the rundown on his condition and made aware that he couldn't breath on his own, so he was on a ventilator. This was not what I bargained for when I got pregnant. Why wasn't my baby fat and active? We were given information on how the NICU operates. Basically, we were told that the twins would be in the NICU most likely until their original due date, May 20th. My babies were going to be in the intensive care for THREE MONTHS. Only then did it hit me that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital with my babies and the gravity of the situation began to sink in. Then it was on to Charlie's room. The second I crossed the threshold, I began to cry. He had twice the equipment as Matthew and the floor shook terribly from the machines keeping him alive. I was sick to my stomach and I couldn't even stand up to see my baby. I wanted to see him, but I was so afraid. When I did get the courage to stand, all I could see was what looked like an extremely old man laying limp with TONS of tubes and tape. He didn't look like a baby at all. He was so tiny and the tape was so big that it didn't allow me to actually see him. He was under the bilirubin lights so everything was extremely clinical and nothing was hidden from sight. I can't express to you how small he was and I will never forget how he looked, how his tiny chest rose and fell with each breath that the oscillator forced into his small body. There was no cuddling, no comforting my baby. He couldn't be touched and I wanted to scream and scream loud. I was mad at everyone. How could this happen? Then the nurse gave us the details of his condition. Charlie was paralyzed and on complete life support and he had a 50/50 chance of survival. I have never felt so hopeless as Brian finally wheeled me back to my empty hospital room. It was at that moment that I had it out with God. I needed help and he was the only hope for my boys.